Post Tagged with: "Relationship Advice"

Being Yourself Around Women

Q:
How do you be yourself and feel comfortable around women?

A:
I have actually answered this one before, but I believe it is worth repeating. It’s all about your state of mind and level of self-acceptance. The way I look at it is this: I’m already not having sex with her, so what have I got to lose by being true to myself? Worst-case scenario is, I’m still not having sex with her. I’m no better or worse off in the long run as I haven’t risked anything. Also, there is no point in pretending to be anyone other than who you are. If you do, you’ll eventually digress into your true self and it will all come out in the end anyway. Why even spend the energy creating a false exterior?

How to Stop Someone Who is Too Clingy and Smothering

Q:
How can you stop a man or woman who is clingy and smothering in a relationship?

A:
My inclination is to get out of the relationship ASAP. I don’t want anyone trying to change who I am at the core, and I certainly don’t want the responsibility of trying to change who someone else is. The fact is that we ultimately can’t anyway. Sure, people can get it together and “behave” for a while, but more often than not, they eventually find themselves back where they started, like water seeking its own level. Believing you can change someone else’s insecurities and character defects is a one-way ticket to disaster, a breeding ground of resentment and ultimately pain and dysfunction.

There are some people who enjoy smothering their partners. Their issues deem them perfect candidates for needing what appears to be constant validation, no matter how damaged the source. But my advice to you is, in short, if you can deal, hang in there. If you can’t, bounce. Change them? Not gonna happen.

Casual Killer

Casual KillerDoes a Valentine’s Day date signal the death of a casual relationship? Our twenty-first-century rogue tells you how to keep it from getting serious.
Illustration by Celia Calle

I’ve been seeing this girl for a year now. We went on our first date last Valentine’s Day, after I answered her personals ad saying she was looking for company that night. Needless to say, I got laid. At that time, she played it off like she wasn’t into Valentine’s or relationships or any of that, but now she’s dropping hints and it’s becoming increasingly obvious that she wants me to do something special for Valentine’s, even though we still haven’t even had a conversation about being exclusive. I have the terrible feeling she’s using our “anniversary” as a way to see where I stand. How do I show her a decent time without sending her the wrong message and getting trapped in a full-blown relationship?

Forget cupid’s arrow, my friend. This girl is about to nail you to the butcher’s block. Have you thought about getting out of town? Can your mom be convinced to die that weekend? Short of that, you want to treat her nice without getting too romantic. In fact, drop the “ro” altogether and make your night just plain man-tic. Keep things safely in the proverbial testosterone zone by, say, treating her to box seats at a hockey game (assuming she digs hockey enough that you avoid the old “we only do things you like” complaint) Even if she ends up bitching that you’re at a fluorescent-lit gladiator pit while all her friends are at fancy restaurants, there isn’t a recrimination in the world that can’t be squelched with, “Do you realize how much I spent on these tickets?” That said, when some schmuck proposes to his girlfriend on the Jumbotron, ridicule him mercilessly in order to make it clear that you’re not about to ever go there, and then, before she can say “boo” (or, more worrisome, call you her “boo”), be so gallant as to ask her if she wants more nachos.

I’m sure you get the idea: Lay her down in a bed of roses, but make sure said roses have thorns. You don’t want her getting too comfortable. And if the night does end in “I never want to see you again” dramatics, don’t worry. Everyone breaks up on V-day. February 15 is prime time for cruising the net for randy rebounders.

What to Do – If you Like a Person but the Sex is Bad

Q:
If you like a person but the sex is bad, do you spend time trying to work on it, or do you bail? What do you say to the person? “I don’t think we’re sexually compatible” seems to invite the whole “let’s try to work on it” discussion.

A:
Personally, if the sex isn’t there I’m out. For me, there are far too many things to work on in a relationship, and having to “work” on sex seems like a lose/lose proposition—especially when I’m fully aware that there are plenty of women out there with whom I wouldn’t have to work on it at all. (Now, to be honest, in my case, I’m a guy with intimacy issues who has to imagine myself strangling a drifter in order to climax during sex, so take my words with a grain of salt.) But the old saying “Once the sex goes, it all goes” kind of applies. What do you think happens if the sex was never there to begin with? On the other hand, there are plenty of people who have had success in the bedroom after working toward a mutual goal through time, work, and communication. I just don’t happen to know anything about that.

Addicted to a Wrong Love

Q:
I had a bad childhood, with a lot of abuse on every level: verbal, emotional, sexual, a lot of violence and chaos, and no intimacy from either parent. I was neglected and had to care for myself as far back as I can remember. I’m 36 now and wondering why, when someone is totally into me, I get irritated, tear them apart, and find a reason to dump them. When it’s over, I want the pain. I crave the man who is not interested; if he hates me, it’s like grounds for marriage. It’s painful, and I’m not sure I will ever be able to receive love. I’ve tried Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and therapy. What do you think?

A:
You kind of answered your own question. Your “teachers” were clearly ill equipped to provide you with healthy relationship skills and tools for achieving true intimacy. Chaos is familiar to you, and when you find yourself in the absence of it, you become uncomfortable, like a fish out of water, gasping for oxygenated replenishment. Your solution is to re-create what you are skilled at: handling the pain and anguish of your childhood. You dump the man, creating the longing for the love that you wanted all along from your parents. This is fairly common, and you are certainly not alone. (Trust me, I know. I’m usually only attracted to women like you!) It’s time to take your life back and break free of the familial grip. This isn’t easy, as you will be required to step into areas of discomfort and tread water for a while without having a knee-jerk reaction. Just watch your thoughts and feelings as they go by, but do not respond to them. Your mind will want to trick you into running away, but stay the course. Recognition of this type of syndrome is the only first step. It’s a long road ahead, but with therapy and self-help groups, the cycle can be broken.

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