Q:
Why is it so difficult to find a man for regular sex but no relationship? In my experience, men either want a committed relationship or they want sex sporadically when it’s convenient for them. I don’t want a relationship, and I don’t want random sex on their schedule. I want someone to hang out with once a week or so, and the rest of the time we can both do whatever we want and not have to answer to each other.

A:
First of all, move to L.A. There are thousands of us here!

Or play it needy and clingy, and they’ll back down to once a week. I promise. (I’m kidding, but not really.)

The lines “I don’t want a relationship, and I don’t want random sex on their schedule. I want someone to hang out with once a week or so” are interesting. What you’re saying is, you don’t want sex on their schedule, you want it on yours. Ha! You can’t have it both ways. If you’re going to make this work, it has to accommodate both of your schedules. The irony is that when men want that very thing, they get crucified for saying so. As for finding the right guy, it’s a trial-and-error process. Or you can look into finding a submissive somewhere who will cower at your every command.

Q:
Why is it that if a man has a lot of sex partners he’s considered a real man, and if a woman does she’s considered a ho?

A:
I don’t know how true this is anymore. The playing field seems to be leveling out. I can’t tell you how many times I have asked out a woman only to hear, “I’ve heard about you! You’re a total whore!” (Still, I make it work for me.) The point is, this age-old double standard is becoming a little less unfair to women.

I think the double standard stems from male insecurity. Men want to be the hunters, the cocks of the walk. They’re used to the old way of thinking: The woman is the caretaker, the keeper of the home. If she becomes more “outgoing,” they think there must be something wrong with her. Even worse, they think there must be something wrong with themselves. It can be crush ing to the male ego to think that women have the same needs as men; to know that women think up just as many dirty visuals and fantasize about other lovers as often as men do; to imagine that, in bed, she may be thinking about being with one of your friends. (Sorry, guys, it happens.)

In addition, there’s a whole physical issue at play here. The man’s genitals are on the outside and the woman’s are on the inside. On some unconscious level, men imagine that a woman allowing someone to “enter” her body is more intimate and sacred than simply entering the body of a partner. That can fuck up a guy’s head if he isn’t careful.

Sure, there are those who say that men have millions of sperm trying to escape and fertilize women, while women have but one egg waiting for fertilization, giving men some physiological right to be more promiscuous. I say that people are people and they are going to do, think, and act the way they want. This being the case, let’s just do away with the labels.

Q:
I have been dating my boyfriend for five months now. We’re exclusive and it’s getting serious. Before we met, he had signed up on a few dating sites, met women on these sites (not me), and went on a few dates. No big deal, right? This is 2011. Well, I recently discovered that not only is he still a member at two of these sites, but he logs on to them regularly. When I confronted him, he said it’s no big deal; he doesn’t talk to anyone on them. I am a very trusting and nonjealous person, and I have no issue with him keeping the sites (for now). What I do take issue with is that he logs on to them every day. I can understand that every few weeks, if you’re online and bored, you would log on. But his behavior makes me worry that he is keeping his options open and not totally committed to us. What do you think? I need a guy’s advice. Is this no big deal? Is it all in good fun? If the tables were turned, would you feel strange about your girlfriend keeping a profile on dating sites?

A:
It’s the old “online takeout menu” issue. Look, what is acceptable to one person is not always acceptable to another, and I have no idea what you’re willing to overlook. Devil’s advocate time: I have a number of sites that I look at on a daily basis, merely out of habit. I wake up, have some coffee, and look through various music sites, humor blogs, Facebook, Twitter, and the like. Even if I’m not that interested, I’ll browse through them all anyway. Granted, none of these are dating sites and I don’t have a girlfriend. Regardless, maybe it’s all just habit with him. Maybe he’s just looking for outside validation without the intention of following through. I have to speculate because I have no idea. The real question is: What is acceptable for you? If you are wishy washy about your own boundaries, how can you expect someone else to know what they are? Perhaps this isn’t about him, but about you and your ability to speak up and take charge of what you want. He is who he is and you chose him. Now you have to learn to navigate through this relationship as an adult.